What are the Damaging Impacts of Unspoken Contracts?#personaldevelopment#lifecoaching

 

How many Unspoken Contracts are you in?

You know, those silent agreements that shape our interactions and expectations?

Photo by Nemesia Production on Unsplash

In boxing, there is a concept often referred to as the "unspoken contract" or "gentleman's agreement" between fighters. This implies an understanding between the two boxers to make the fight entertaining for the spectators while avoiding causing serious harm to each other. They may engage in strategic moves, deliver powerful-looking punches, and create an illusion of intensity, all while maintaining a level of cooperation to ensure that neither fighter is seriously injured.

This can be considered as an analogy for certain relationships in love, work, and family. People may engage in behaviours that make the relationship appear functional or successful on the surface but the underlying dynamics may be quite different. 

In love and relationships there can be  a ‘Facade of Happiness’. In some romantic relationships, partners may maintain a facade of happiness and compatibility for the sake of appearances. They might engage in actions that make their relationship seem ideal while suppressing deeper issues.  Couples might avoid addressing significant problems, opting instead to keep up the appearance of a perfect relationship. This can lead to a lack of genuine communication and understanding. The parents in these partnerships may choose to conceal certain challenges, such as financial difficulties or personal problems, to maintain an image of stability and normalcy.

At work, colleagues might maintain a façade of cooperation and teamwork while harbouring hidden competition or conflicts. However they may project an image of professionalism they may be engaging in subtle power struggles or “Superficial Collaboration”. Teams may appear to collaborate on projects, but in reality, the individual goals of team members may be hijacking the process.

Maintaining a certain image or appearance, even if it requires some level of cooperation or compromise lies behind this. A fear of confrontation or conflict, leads individuals to prioritise an appearance of success rather than address any underlying issues.

Unspoken contracts might serve as temporary solutions to avoid discomfort or conflict, but they often fail to address the root causes of issues. Over time, this will lead to a breakdown in trust and authenticity within the relationship. 

Just as in boxing the unspoken contract can be shattered if one fighter decides to break the agreement, major challenges arise when individuals choose to confront and address the underlying issues.

Unspoken contracts affects career trajectories and professional development. We dedicate our skills and time in exchange for growth opportunities and fair treatment from other stakeholders, but unspoken contracts hinge on alignment. 

When values and expectations align, contracts thrive, as do healthy relationships and career advancement. However, when misaligned, these agreements can breed frustration and discontent. Sometimes one has to 'grasp the nettle' and confront the situation. It's a difficult idea for some to grasp, but having an open, assertive outlook and communication style is the ultimate form of compassion. Brené Brown describes ‘kindness’ thus: "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." (https://brenebrown.com/).

The ambiguity of unspoken contracts can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, but all can benefit from adopting a culture of clarity and openness: expressing expectations explicitly, providing constructive feedback, and encouraging a dialogue that promotes shared understanding among colleagues.

This involves introspection, ensuring that the implicit understandings in love, relationships, and career align with one's personal values. This may contribute to a fulfilling and harmonious existence. Fostering your alignment with company values and your colleagues, can similarly contribute to a more positive work environment.

“The first step toward building a fulfilling career is understanding your core values. When your values align with those of your workplace, you create a foundation for success and satisfaction." (Gina Greenlee, https://www.ginagreenlee.com/).

What's the remedy to unspoken contracts?

• Identify your core values. 

• If you detect any discrepancies, open communication with your colleagues and supervisors to initiate adjustments as required. 

• Start small then compound and stack your expectations.

• Above all aim for fairness. 

As Simon Sinek suggests:

"Trust is maintained when values and beliefs are actively managed. Those who are seen to be the most fair-minded are trusted the most." 

(https://simonsinek.com/our-why/).

It’s a two-way street. Equally, your own HR department (or whoever you are close to) also owes it to you to be open.

Regular communication about company values, expectations, and goals can bridge potential gaps in understanding, ensuring that implicit agreements remain positive and conducive to a harmonious workplace.